At first, when my heart shattered and the shards pierced my vital organs I firmly believed I could never feel again.

Not sadness of course, I knew sadness well. 

And anger I eventually became accustomed to, as if meeting an old friend for coffee.

But happiness had already been lost to me for months, 
and not because of you but because of life. 

But you did take away my smile and my laugh, and all my light. 
Maybe I was afraid to take it back, or maybe you just held onto it too tightly.
Suffocating it until it gasped and gasped and stopped. 
Ever. so. slowly. 

That’s how those first few weeks were. 
Slow, gasping, wishing it would all stop.
 
I won’t lie, I still stay in bed wishing it would stop, life hits hard but not hard enough to kill, just hard enough to hurt. 

At first when I looked back at our three years I thought that I could never, would never love again. 
Love is a construct, a liar. 
A maze with no way out. 

But I was weak then.
Still put down by you as I had been for years, a nasty habit.
Even though you were gone, you held me back. 
My chains still tightening, craving one more touch.

I couldn’t see that walls were built to break down. 
And the maze full of dead ends were full of possibilities all along.
I just needed to take off the blindfold I named after you to see them.

I had to understand that strength did not come from muscle but from my beautiful, outrageous mind. 
You had me convinced that strength radiated off of you and I had to soak it in to survive, my vitamin D. 

As if I was the one with a deficiency, 
all along you were deficient in happiness, wanting to steal mine. 
You sucked me dry, wringing out every last drop, you left.

Can a bloodless heart still beat? 

Somehow my pieces manage, slowly jumping their way back to one another with every thump thump.

That’s what I wanted to say. 
As the words us and we came into play so did handicap. 
Written over everything I considered my own so everyone knew I relied on you and you alone. 
My crutch. 

You became my lesson when you left. 
I glared at my shaky legs as I struggled to stand and begged them to keep going. 

I never needed you, It seems as if im as much of a liar as love herself.